you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In other news, I just burned my penis
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
