So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
