Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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