if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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