I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
