I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
