omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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