Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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