finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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