Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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