Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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