My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm like, not good at living.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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