You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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