Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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