I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
