Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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