I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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