According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
