Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
