i wish my penis had a tongue
smell my finger.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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