Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
