I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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