when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
