We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
