I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
