my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
