Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
