This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize