I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
