I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
