There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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