ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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