even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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