How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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