i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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