We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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