we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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