just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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