It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
