He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
