Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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