I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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