I think i peed on brittanys purse
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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