An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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