I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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