mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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