Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
3 2 1 whiskey
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
