sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize