I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
