if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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