didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
my poor anus
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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