I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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