I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Never joke about your clitoris.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
