I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
