he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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