he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
