What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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