I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
