i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
