I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I've blown a few things in my day
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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