we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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