Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Found the puke drawer
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
