i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
